Are you living in the Gap or the Gain?

I've noticed a pattern lately—in my conversations, in my own inner dialogue, in the stories my clients share.

It's the pattern of constantly measuring ourselves against an impossible standard, always focusing on what we haven't yet achieved.

It’s what Dan Sullivan calls living in "the Gap"—the mental space where we're perpetually focused on the distance between where we are and some idealized, perfect version of ourselves.

Living in the Gap: The Perfect System to Guarantee Disappointment

According to Sullivan, people who live in the Gap are always measuring themselves against an ideal, while those living in the Gain measure themselves against where they were before.

You might be thinking, “I’m not seeing the problem. What’s wrong with having an ideal?”

And I would say nothing. There’s nothing wrong with having an ideal. In fact, summoning a clear vision of the ideal is a powerful coaching tool that helps people connect to their core values, deep longings, and a clear sense of direction and purpose.

But here’s the critical distinction:

An “ideal”, by definition, is an unreachable standard. It’s a horizon, not a destination.

The problem arises not from having an ideal, but from how we use it.

Are we using our ideal as a compass that points us in the direction we want to go in, a muse that inspires and motivates us, or a measuring stick that only highlights our perceived shortcomings?

The Eternal Chase of the Unattainable Carrot

As a coach, I sit with many intelligent, resilient, and highly competent individuals who have overcome and accomplished a great deal in their lives.

But these same individuals are often oblivious to just how far they’ve come, sometimes even outright reluctant to “rest on their laurels.” They fear that if they acknowledge or celebrate their progress and wins, they’ll become too satisfied, get complacent, and stop striving.

Imagine working for someone who shares this same philosophy. You show up daily, contribute in big and small ways, and help achieve company goals. But this manager never makes any effort or takes any time to acknowledge or celebrate your wins. They only assign more projects, more goals, and more tasks to get done. They ensure that the goal post is always moving, lest you get complacent. Imagine working for this kind of manager for one year, 5 years, 10 years. How engaged would you be at work? How motivated would you feel to keep striving?

And there’s data to back up our intuition. A study by Gallup found that employees who received high-quality recognition were 45% less likely to leave their jobs over a two-year period, and industry leaders like Southwest and Google have taken heed of the growing research around this. They’ve implemented employee recognition programs as a bottom-line strategy to drive employee engagement and retention.

Imagine that.

Living in the Gain Means Honoring the Journey of Your Past Selves

I recently had a conversation with a client who told me about his recent “failures.” But what I heard was not a story of failure. It was a story of hardship, loss, and being knocked down by life, then choosing to get back up again and again and again.

It was a story of showing up for himself and his children, even on the days when all he wanted to do was give up. It was a story of overcoming, healing, courage, and resilience. While he was only seeing what he lost or hadn't yet achieved, I was seeing the lionhearted ways he was choosing to show up in his life.

After reflecting this back to him, I asked him a question that I’d also like to ask you:

When is the last time you thanked yourself?

My client’s answer was profound and revealing: “Wow. I can’t even remember. I don’t know if I ever have.”

And my sense is that many of us can relate.

When is the last time you reflected on just how far you’ve come? The last time you paused, even for a moment, to look back on the progress you’ve made so far? The last time you slowed down and appreciated all that it required of you to arrive here?

You see, so many of us take ourselves for granted. We only demand more and more and more from ourselves without ever stopping to say even a simple “thank you.” And yet you are the one person who’s been there with you through everything you’ve ever experienced—every challenge, every triumph, every heartbreak, every moment of doubt and determination. The person who made sure you accomplished every single thing you’ve ever accomplished. You are the person who gets you out of bed every morning, makes sure you’re fed, and keeps you alive.

Reflect on the last 24 hours, the past week, month, year. Consider all that you've done—from the seemingly mundane to the monumental. From brushing your teeth to walking away from a relationship that wasn’t serving you. From going on a walk to interviewing for your dream job. Think of a time when you did something scary or uncomfortable in service of your growth and progress.

And take a moment to thank the person who did that for you.