The Tyranny of the "Should"
“…don’t worry too much about what someone else says you ‘should’ do. Know what you want to do and why it’s important to you.”
—Melissa Steginus
How many times a day do you tell yourself that you should do something?
“I should take better care of my health…”
“I should be more patient with my partner…”
“I should stop doom-scrolling before bed…”
“I should be more organized and procrastinate less…”
“I should spend more time with my family…”
You get the idea.
And if you’re unsure, try keeping track today—it might be an eye-opening exercise.
Now, a follow-up question:
How often do you actually follow through with a “should”? If you had to guess a percentage, what would it be?
If your answer is 80-100%, great. You’ve found a system that works for you (assuming your goal is to follow through on your “shoulds”).
If your answer is making you squirm a bit, fantastic. You’ve just identified a system that may not be serving you. This is useful information because with awareness comes choice. When we can see that one system isn’t working, we can explore alternatives that may better serve us.
“Should” is a flimsy word
Here’s what I’ve discovered so far as a coach:
Most of us are walking around “should’ing” on ourselves all day long and it simply isn’t very helpful or effective.
For one, when we tell ourselves that we should do something, it’s rarely a commitment and barely an intention.
Imagine going to see a doctor and at the end of your appointment, they say to you in a reluctant and somewhat exasperated tone, “I should get back to you about your test results.”
I don’t know about you but I would be quite confused, a bit concerned, and not at all reassured. I’d ask, “What do you mean you ‘should’? Will you?” And then I might look for a different doctor.
In essence, this is what we do to ourselves whenever we say we should do something. We’re saying something without really saying anything, so we can’t even trust our own words. We should, but will we? Who knows…
A thief of joy
What I find especially damaging about the word “should” is that it’s often accompanied by guilt and dread.
Human beings value autonomy and have a natural resistance to being told what to do. Most of us would prefer to want to do something rather than feel obligated to do it, but “should” can turn anything into an order or obligation—even the things we we enjoy doing.
I love starting my days with yoga, but the more I relate to it as something I should be doing everyday, the more resistance I create in myself and the less present I feel in my practice. It can quickly become another task to cross off my to-do list, something to just get through.
And if I miss a day, I end up feeling guilty for not doing something I should have done. As I’m sure you’ve caught on to by now, it’s an incredibly effective way to take the joy and fun out of even our most beloved activities.
So what “should” we do instead?
I often challenge my clients to eliminate the word “should” from their vocabulary for two weeks. This helps create awareness around just how often they relate to something in their lives as a “should.”
Then I have them replace “I should” with “I choose to”, “I want to”, or “I will”. This empowers them to see that they always have a choice in what they do (or don’t do) and it encourages them to connect to their own personal reasons and purpose behind their choices.
It’s the difference between saying,
“I should go to the gym… but I’ve had a really long day and the gym will be there tomorrow”
versus
“I choose to/want to/will go to the gym because I value my health and feeling physically strong”
or
“I choose to/want to/will take a rest day because my body needs it.”
I want to be clear that I’m not implying that going to the gym is better than not going. I am encouraging you to practice assuming the position of someone who is consciously making an empowered and purposeful choice, whatever that choice may be, and to fully own that choice.
That’s how we break free from the tyranny of the “should”.
So, if you’re willing to take on the challenge, here it is:
Eliminate "should" from your vocabulary for the next two weeks. Replace it with “choose to”, “want to”, or “will.”
Keep a journal of how this shift impacts your thoughts, feelings, and actions.
Share your experience with me! How did it go and what did you discover?
If you made it to the end of this newsletter, I acknowledge you. And as always, I look forward to hearing from you.