The Paradox of Self-Improvement

“No amount of self-improvement can make up for any lack of self-acceptance.”

—Robert Holden

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

—A Course in Miracles

When I first began my healing journey, I had a very clear goal in mind: to fix all the things I didn’t like about myself.

I believed that once I dug up all of my traumas, healed my inner child, shifted away from unhealthy patterns, reprogrammed my limiting beliefs, became securely attached, and got better at regulating my emotions, then I would finally deserve true love, happiness, and peace. Then I could finally relax and fully enjoy my life.

At first, this was extremely motivating. How could it not be? Everything I wanted was possibly one self-help book away.

So I passionately dove into books, therapy sessions, personal development courses, psychology lectures, meditation retreats, coaching programs, and workshops of all kinds. I figured if I just kept turning over stones, the answers would eventually begin to reveal themselves (and they did, just not in the way I expected).

Then one day, I found myself staring at a laundry list of all of my core wounds and beliefs. Some of what was on that list were:

“I’m a bad person”; “I have to be perfect to deserve love”; “I’m not allowed to make any mistakes”; “I will never be good enough”; “My existence is a burden.”

As I sat and took in this list, I felt my throat start to close up. My field of vision narrowed. I became short of breath. My heart felt like it was going to pound out of my chest and my mind was racing with unintelligible thoughts. I was having a panic attack.

“You can’t hate yourself into becoming a version of yourself that you can love”

The thing is, deep down I really believed all of those things on that list to be true. And the whole reason I was trying so hard to heal was because I believed them.

It wasn’t until I began working with my coach that I began to consider a radically different perspective: that I can choose to love and accept myself now, before I was “fully healed.”

From our very first conversation, my coach didn’t buy into any of my stories of how and why I’m not enough no matter how hard I tried to convince her. Even now, when I fall back into an old pattern or story that doesn’t serve me, I’ll look to her and say, “See? Told you there was something wrong with me.”

But instead of agreeing with me, she just lovingly and patiently holds up a mirror until I’m ready to see beyond the fog of judgment and shame so that I can see the human being looking back. She’s the only person in my life who simply refuses to judge me no matter how harshly I’m judging myself. It’s been one of the greatest gifts life has ever given me.

As stubborn as my ego can be, my coach’s unconditional love and acceptance of me has broken it down enough for me to realize that I can’t hate myself into becoming a version of myself that I can love.

The three key ingredients for self-actualization

And Carl Rogers would have agreed. Known as the father of humanistic psychology and the person-centered approach to therapy, Rogers revolutionized the field of psychotherapy in the mid-20th century by putting forth what was, at the time, a radical view.

He believed that every human being has within themselves vast resources for self-understanding, growth, and change. He also believed that in order to gain access to these resources, three relational conditions must be present: genuineness, unconditional positive regard, and accurate empathic understanding.

Within the context of a therapeutic relationship, this means that a therapist must show up as their genuine self; they must hold a warm, accepting attitude towards their clients; and they must accurately sense and reflect their clients’ feelings and experiences.

Today, there’s strong evidence indicating that the single factor most associated with successful therapeutic outcomes is not the mode of therapy, nor the therapist’s level of training or experience, but the quality of the relationship between therapist and client.

This is profound and offers us important clues on how we want to relate to ourselves in our own healing journeys. It also explains why my relationship with my coach has been so transformative.

The Self-Improvement Paradox

In one of his podcast episodes, Mark Manson introduces an idea called the Self-Improvement Paradox. The paradox explains why sometimes, trying to be better actually makes you feel worse. It’s what I had unknowingly pushed up against when I had a panic attack.

The paradox poses the question, “How can we both accept ourselves as we are AND continue to strive for continuous growth and improvement?”

And my experience has been that this is more of a balancing act than a place to arrive at. When you lean too far into the former, you run the risk of becoming complacent and avoidant. When you lean too far into the latter, you can become painfully punishing and self-loathing.

Manson shares a quote from a zen master that aptly describes the dichotomous nature of this balancing act: “You are perfect as you are, and you can always be better.”

Hustling for our worth vs. Loving ourselves enough to heal and grow

When we try to heal and grow as a way to earn our worth and to feel “good enough”, we operate under the premise that who we are currently is not good enough. And when we believe this, it’s very difficult to treat ourselves with genuineness, unconditional positive regard, or accurate empathic understanding.

In fact, we end up creating a pretty tough environment for us to do any healing or growing in. I learned that the hard way, but maybe you don’t have to.

When, instead, we choose to see ourselves and our humanity through the eyes of compassion and understanding, we realize that we want to heal and grow simply because we deserve to. It’s our birthright as living beings.

I know people often get triggered by that word “deserve” because it connotes a sense of entitlement, but if it triggers you, I challenge you to momentarily release your judgments against that word.

Connect to your humanity and access your most compassionate self. Who or what doesn’t deserve to heal the parts of them that hurt? The parts of them that cause so much suffering for themselves and likely those around them? Who or what doesn’t deserve to grow in a way that truly, deeply fulfills them?

You certainly do.

The other day, I was watering my plant (her name is Ophelia) and I realized how much I enjoy watching her grow.

Now, I don’t need her to grow in order for me to keep watering her and loving her, but it’s because I love her that I want her to keep thriving. She didn’t have to earn the right to be watered or loved. She only needed to exist.

That’s how I choose to relate to myself and my process of healing and growth. That’s what I hope for you as well.

And in case no one tells you this today, you are already enough exactly as you are.